I'm Making My Bologna Sandwich.....

So, once again it has been far too long since my last blog post. This time, however, I do actually have a few good reasons.

Reason #1. We had company visiting from out of town.

Reason #2. I have been spending all my free time at the DMV.

An unfortunate new job? No.

An affinity for endlessly waiting in uncomfortable chairs while the little twerp sitting next to you asks his mother if she will buy him a diet soda every thirty seconds? Forget it.

The result of some woebegone soul pilfering your wallet and all of its contents while eating lunch in San Francisco?? Bingo.

Now, there were a lot of important things in my wallet. All of my credit cards, debit cards, insurance cards, gift cards, etc. While possibly detrimental to both our finances and my identity, the loss of these items didn't bother me as much as the loss of my drivers license. Although I will most definitely mourn the loss of the glamorous photo and listed weight (which has not been a reality since the year 2000), what I mourned the most was the loss of my time...because anyone who lives in California knows that there is no greater waste of time than the DMV.

For several days I contemplated simply foregoing the ability to drive. I mean, honestly, is it worth it?? Is it worth yet another trip to the DMV???

Now, the DMV would be completely and totally unbearable to wait through if not for the colorful cast of characters that seem to waltz their way through the place on every single occasion I visit. Who are you people?!!

Possibly the most intriguing, and by that I mean disturbing, was a woman I had the displeasure of encountering on the latest excursion. Folks, the woman came to the DMV in her bathing suit. A (at minimum) fifty year old woman in a bathing suit and heels strutting around the DMV. Now, I understand that we are having unseasonably warm temperatures right now and that everyone is hot and miserable....but your bathing suit?!?! What ever happened to "No shirt, no shoes, no service"?? Do we need to extend it to "No shirt and no pants and no bra, no service"?!?!?

At any rate, I did my time, I waited in line, and hopefully, if all goes as planned, my new license should be arriving in 7-10 business days.

If, however, my license gets pick pocketed, lost, stolen, incinerated, confiscated, or otherwise ends up out of my possession again, I will not return. I will simply become one of those people with no teeth who pack a bologna sandwich and ride the city bus all day long. I mean, really, what other option is there?!?!

Everyone's Favorite Monday Night Waste of Time

Folks, I have now let two entire episodes of everyone's favorite Monday night waste of time go by without discussing the brilliance. Shame on me! It is time to share a few of the observations I have made while indulging in this season of The Bachelorette.

First, I cannot believe I am still watching this season. Not to mention the fact that I threw $10 down the toilet entering a Bachelorette pool. Yes, I am in a pool. It seemed like a good idea early in the season when I had yet to figure out that Jillian has no idea what she is really looking for (because if she did, then obviously everything would work out and she would find true and everlasting love) and the men are a bunch of turds. (Note: I have just inadvertently used the words "toilet" and "turd" in the same paragraph, completely unrelated to one another. That, folks, takes some talent.)

Again, I must address the manner in which the "I-have-just-had-my-heart-broken-and-don't know-if-I'll-ever-be-the-same-again-after-knowing-this-gal-for-three-weeks" dudes are being sent off the show. Who can forget the episode where poor ole' Sasha was sent home on a city bus? Not to mention when Jillian gave dear, sweet, Mike a half-hearted high five and sent him down the mountain in a Gondola. What happened to the limo ride of loneliness?? Must we strip away every shred of dignity these guys have left?? YES, apparently we must, as the previews for next Monday's episode appear to show a new reject being tossed (figuratively) from a train and left to fend for himself in the Canadian wilderness. No joke.

If this is the case (please, please, please let this be the case), I do believe that they should turn it into a spin-off show. I can only imagine the ratings for a show in which Tanner P roams the forest lamenting the loss of Jillian's feet; Wes gathers all the woodland creatures around him and repeatedly sings the only line of his song until they mutiny; Michael break-dances his way back to civilization. Come on people, you know you would watch too!

Next up on my Bachelorette agenda is the topic of Ed leaving the show. The show played the entire thing off as a "Why didn't you think this through before coming on the show" situation. Excuse me?!?! I do believe that Ed is the ONLY ONE ACTUALLY THINKING AT ALL!! Personally, I don't blame the guy one bit for not wanting to lose his job! Granted, he was the only decent guy on the show and Jillian's only shot at someone normal, however, because he did seem like a decent guy, I couldn't have been happier that he left. I do believe that a relationship with Jillian is a bullet train to heartache and don't believe that dear, sweet Ed deserves that.

Then there is Kiptyn. I can pretty much sum up my feelings about Kiptyn by highlighting the following verbal exchange:

Jillian: What do you want in your salad?
Kiptyn: Your eyes are so pretty.

Enough said.

Here is my prediction. I am going to go on record right now and state that I don't believe Jillian is going to pick anyone when everything is said and done. It will be the most dramatic finale in Bachelorette history. There will be tears. There will be disbelieve. I will likely indulge in some ice cream. It will be lovely.

Alternatively, she could pick Kiptyn, change her name to Jillyn, give birth to children named Megyn, Logyn, and Nathyn, buy a charming little house in Princetyn, and live happily ever after.

THAT, my friends, would be meaningful.

Keepin' It Weird

Today, once again, I find myself writing about the grocery store. Any faithful reader of this blog (I'm certain there is one) is aware that I often write about the grocery store. I once wrote about the devil hiding out in the meat section. How could you forget the unholy woman who made me move all my groceries to a different check-out line. Anyone remember the geriatric crowd on the day of the big earthquake?? No?? How about the dude peeing in the parking lot. Ah hah! Thought you would recall that little gem. Yes, I admit that I probably write more about the grocery store than any other one topic.

How do I explain this?? The grocery store is my main source of entertainment and socialization during the week. Sad? Definitely. Pathetic? Sure. Fantastic source of blog material?? AB. SO. LUTELY. I mean, you ARE still here reading this, right?!?! This is my life folks, be kind.

So, I made the mistake of going to the grocery store on Sunday afternoon. This is what happened.

First, they had run out of carts. Yes, I do mean grocery carts. There were none. Well....almost none....

You see, there was a sketchy looking little fellow (who happened to look just like that guy that plays the serial killer in all those movies. Well, actually, he doesn't always play the serial killer. Technically, in one movie he played an insurance guy. He was also the swindler in Big Fish. He should play the serial killer though. That is his best role.) who was hoarding a bunch of carts near the back of the parking lot and CHARGING people to take them. I can't exactly say how much he was charging as I was not about to go near the guy that looks like the movie serial killer/insurance guy/swindler. Duh.

Instead, I set foot inside and decided to take my chances and wait for someone who was done with their cart. As I casually stood by a display of pineapple and tried to look cool, as one normally does when standing casually by a display of pineapple, I noticed a woman wresting to get a large orchid out of her cart.

I approached her at the same time that the store clerk did. He was very upset that she had the orchid IN the grocery cart and told her that he was going to need to escort her back to the floral department. I really have no idea what that was about, nor did I care as a cart was now free for the taking.

Yeah. Right. As I struggled to move the cart, I realize that it was clearly not going anywhere. The store clerk, who was angrily off to the floral department, turned and informed me that I would have to wait for him to get back to "unlock" my cart.

Unlock my cart?!?! What in the world?!

So, a few moments later the store clerk (who, by the way, clearly takes his job faaaar too seriously) comes back, takes out some sort of electronic ray gun (or possibly a scanner), kneels down, and "shoots" each of the wheels. Magically, like a gift from heaven, the cart is unlocked and I can finally BEGIN my grocery shopping.

The rest of the grocery trip was clearly cursed as I came home with two over-ripe nectarines and a moldy watermelon. Let's not even get started on the decades I wasted standing in line. Who knew that you could begin a grocery shopping trip on Sunday afternoon and not finish until Tuesday morning?!

On a completely different note:

Hubs and I were watching the local news tonight and learned that Eddie Bauer has filed for bankruptcy. The reporter had headed to the nearest store to get the customers perspective on what had gone wrong. I believe one older, gray haired, Californian woman summed it up best when she said, "They certainly have a style of clothing that I could use. I mean, tomorrow I’m going on a field trip to the volcano's."

On that note, keepin' it weird here in the big CA.

Happy Birthday Mom S!

Does anyone want to know how lucky I am?? I am incredibly lucky. I am unbelievably lucky. I am stupendously, unimaginably, ridiculously lucky.

I, my friends, get to go on another fabulous birth-date today! After the recent success of Mom B's birth-date excursion, I could hardly contain myself knowing that another opportunity for hog-wild-birthday-extravagance was just around the corner. So, in short, what I am trying to say is, "Thanks Mom S for letting me take you out to celebrate your uh, um, 35th birthday!" (Let's not do the math on how old that would have made you when you gave birth to my lovely husband. Child bearing at that age is frowned upon in our society.) Hope y'all can come along and join us!

What better way to start our day than a trip to the salon to get all dolled up. First, hair. What shall we do? A new cut? A trendy new style? Maybe a sexy little updo to attract the gents?? Let's check out our options.

The stylist suggests this spunky little chop-chop number. We both agree that it may be a bit much to actually get a cut. Birth-date celebrations are, after all, just one day. You would hate to be left with a spunky little chop-chop number for the rest of the year. How about a different style??


Extensions? Possibly some beachy body wave and highlights?? Yeah, your right. Not really your thing. Besides, judging by the photo on the stylists mirror of the haircut she gave her own kid (poor little Timmy), we are decidedly against the use of scissors or instruments of the hair persuasion.


With poor little Timmy in mind, we both decide on a relaxing hair treatment, complete with lilac scented hair products, a scalp massage, and pedicure. They threw in the pedicure as an extra special birth-date treat. We each select our polishes and let the team go to work. Make us beautiful boys!!!

Wow, that was simply divine! With our heads tingling (our heads are supposed to be tingling, right?!?!) we head off to our next stop on our birth-date excursion; lunch. Lunch was a tough one. So many options. So many wonderful places we could go. In the end though, I decided to choose based on what you would MOST enjoy having for your celebration; a big, juicy, cheesy, burger.
There is always the BIG burger option. I fear this may be a little much for the lunch hour however.

Then there is the cheeseburger with personality. So many varieties.....blue cheese, cowboy burger, southwest....downright scary!! Don't think we will be eating this one!

Cheeseburger in a can? No.


Ahhh, now this looks just about right. Mmmmm, I can almost taste it now!! Add a serving of crispy salty fries and we are in business!!

Mmmmm, what a delicious lunch. The best thing about it is that now it is over and we can move on to dessert!! Yahoo! This really is the best part of any birth-date celebration. We decide to indulge in what I like to call a chocolate binge. Basically, this means we go from one delightful chocolate shoppe to another and eat A LOT of chocolate. Sound like a plan? Great!

We start with some good ole' milk chocolate.

Next, onto some truffles.

After that, we decide to get a little adventurous and go for a big old slice of chocolaty cake. Don't worry, we didn't eat it all. We clearly removed that sliver of a piece to take home for Hubs, Brother, and Brother-in-law to share. Aren't we generous?!

Finally, we make the ultimate stop in a chocolate lovers adventure.


Yes, that's right folks, we go for a leisurely and delicious swim in the Chocolate River at Wonka's Chocolate Factory. What? You didn't know I was friends with Wonka? Yeah, we go waaaay back. Luckily, we make it back outta the river, unlike that poor little chubby boy who got sucks into the pipes! Yikes! The Oompa Loompa's were an extra little birth-date surprise!

Whew, now we are satisfied! Onto our last stop of the day; a show at the Fireside! I do know how much you enjoy the Fireside and I have actually never been. It is perfect. You can show me the ropes.

We sure did take in an interesting show!! Good thing I snuck our video camera in and got some footage. Now you can remember this little gem forever.



Wow Mom S, that sure was an eventful birth-date! I hope you had as much fun as I did! Can't wait to do it again next year!

Happy Birthday!!!

Dare I Say It....

If you are back home in WI and about to read this post, be warned. I am about to do the unthinkable. Something so outrageous it may make you stop dead in your tracks and exclaim, "Why, that's simply outrageous!" The day has come folks; I am going to complain for one teeny tiny little moment about the California weather.

I know, I know. How dare I! I am committing California-transplant treason. The horror, the horror.

Wisconsin is a land of weather. There is sun, humidity, rain, lightening, thunder, hail, wind, snow, sleet, ice, cold, tornadoes, and even the occasional bout of 'thunder snow'. (Does anyone else recall how dang excited the weathermen were about that one?? It was like Christmas!) Any given day is pretty much a crap-shoot weather wise. You never quite know what you are going to get.

Don't get me wrong, I am the first to complain about winter in Wisconsin. I love the snow, however, not still in April. I hate driving in snow. I hate shoveling snow. I don't enjoy still being cold in May. I could go on and on. HOWEVER, there sure is something to be said for the VARIETY.

Basically, I am in desperate need of a thunderstorm. A rainy day would possibly even suffice. You see, it has been sunny for months. I realize that my complaint is an irritating one (let's face it, I am complaining about the sun), but I can't help it. As a native Wisconsin gal, I yearn for a good ole' thunderstorm. I have a hankering for the threat of tornado. It is exciting. There is a sense of imminent danger. The weathermen get a glimmer in their eye and you just know something big is on the way. Really, it is refreshing, because you actually need the rain and thunder and lightening to appreciate the sun.

Every single morning this week, I have awoken to a cloudy, overcast, could-it-possibly-rain-even-just-a-tad kinda sky and had a spark of hope that maybe, just maybe, a storm would roll in. Yet even single day this week, by noon, the sun has broken through the clouds and it has turned into a perfectly delightful day.

What a crock of poo.

Happy Birthday Mom B!

So, today is mom B's birthday and I am taking her on her first ever virtual birth-date! Really mom, no need to be frightened, this is a fabulous idea and you are going to have a ball. Anyone else wanna come along?! The more the merrier!

First, the best way to start off any virtual birth-date is with a wee bit of shopping. We're heading to Macy's. Let's go out on a limb here and pick out some fancy outfits for our night out on the town. It maybe a bit extravagant, but you only turn, um, 45 ::cough, cough:: once.

How about this flashy little number??

Yeah, your right, great color but a little too shiny for your taste. Moving along....

Here we have a simple, classic, and elegant black dress. Lovely, but possibly a little boring.

Remember, you only turn 45 once. We should celebrate.

Alas, a perfect combination of cut, color, and comfort! A more modest neckline, a little bit of a

sleeve, and a light flowy skirt perfect for dancing should the opportunity arise.

Now, although it is not my birthday, I also get a dress. Oh come on, like you didn't see that coming?!

This is what I have chosen. An adorable little halter dress.

*Note: Virtual birth-dates are unlike real ones in that we are both tall, willowy, size two's who have never met an article of clothing that was not completely flattering. Virtual birth-dates are the best, huh!

Alright, now that's we're all dolled up, let's get ourselves some food! Something deliciously indulgent that we would never actually order. Surf and turf it is!!

Boy was that good. Mmmmm. I can almost taste it all over again just thinking about it.

There is nothing that better tops off a tasty virtual meal than an equally as tasty virtual cosmo!! We make our way to an ultra hip and trendy martini bar. This is an obvious choice for trendy and hip ladies like ourselves. We fit in splendidly.

After a cosmo, we head over to the local comedy club. We are in luck. The comedian is hilarious. Her last bit of shtick was undoubtedly the funniest. What's that? You want to relive the moment?? No problem, just click here.

Wasn't that hilarious?! Nothing quite like adorable little southern ladies, is there? Good times, good times.

It is getting late, but no birthday would be complete without a piece of birthday cake!!

Do you like it? I made it myself. Just something I whipped up this afternoon. No biggie.

Well, we have sufficiently shopped, eaten, drank, and laughed ourselves into a state of birthday splendor. Time to hit the sack and start planning next years shindig!

Because, really, aren't we all just looking for a mythical unicorn??

Yes, folks, that's right.  It's Monday night and time for another thrilling and ever-so-insightful episode of The Bachelorette.  

Tonight's episode finds Jillian left with 16 eligible bachelors.  I use the term 'eligible' quite loosely.  Let's face it folks, there are about three dudes in that whole group who aren't total whack jobs.  Jillian, girl, if I were you I would head for the hills.  

First date of the show goes to "big, strong, bulky, hunky Ed".  Their date progressed as most dates do; a helicopter ride, being lowered down the side of a skyscraper, and then dinner on a roof somewhere.  Question: Do they ever eat inside??  I swear they are eating on a roof in every single episode.  Over dinner Jillian and Ed shared tantalizing conversation such as, "I like your eyes."  "Really?  I like your eyes."  They clearly have a deep and meaningful connection.  Swoon Jillian, swoon.  The highlight of the date, however, was when Jillian declared, "I love that I popped your helicopter cherry."  Classy, extremely classy.  

Date two featured most of the bachelors and Jillian on a fake movie set, with fake scripts, making a fake movie.  Don't fear though, the emotions are very real.  Brad pretty much stamped his ticket outta the bunkhouse with an awkward siblingesque kiss and comment about how he is ultra bad a$$.  Sorry dude.  Then Jillian proceeds to share a kiss with just about every other guy there but assures us that it was just 'acting'.  Again, the emotions are very real.  Tanner P. on the other hand, is far more interested in kissing Jillian feet than her mouth.  "Her feet look so good I wanna put them in my mouth."  The next few moments were filled with millions of uncomfortable Americans watching Tanner P. rub Jillian's feet all over his head.  Are you kidding me?!  If some guy tried to rub my feet all over his head I would likely kick him square in the jaw.  Creepy.  

Now, let's talk for a brief moment about poor, poor Sasha.  Boy did this guy have a rough night.  Sasha was the recipient of solo date #2; a photo shoot, driving a Ferrari, and dinner on the roof.  Duh.  I knew Sasha was in trouble when he explained that some guys are sheep, some are wolves, and he is simply searching for a mythical unicorn.  Yup.  A mythical unicorn.  Oh dear, poor, misguided Sasha, what on earth are you talking about?!?!  Apparently, Jillian had no idea either and explained that, "I wish I could be that unicorn."  No, Jillian, no you do not.  Clearly, Sasha did not get the rose.  The only thing more humiliating then going on a one-on-one date and not getting a rose?  Being sent home on a public bus!  Yes, that's right folks, poor Sasha was the lone passenger on a city bus to Lonely Street.  What's next?  Are they going to make the next guy leave on a bike?  A skateboard?  A pogo stick?  Actually, that is a fantastic idea!  I am totally hoping for a pogo stick.  

After Sasha's departure, Jillian then assured the audience that she is serious about finding love.  "I'm not just here to date and see if I wanna have a fling for a couple of years."  Enough said.  

Then, out of nowhere,Wes begins to sing!!  What?!  Wait?!  Wes can sing??  Dude, sing another song!  Write something else.  We are tired of hearing that same old dumb song.  Not to mention that the only line of lyrics you have ("When they say, they say that love, it don't come easy") isn't even grammatically correct!  So there.  If there is one thing that gets a gal goin', it is grammaticality.  Duh.  

The episode winds up with Dave being a jerk and Juan looking like a little freak.  As per usual.  

Speaking of a little freak...Tanner P. continues cementing his reputation as the creepiest creep to ever creep with comments like, "I'm here to suck on some toes and meet Jillian" and "I totally wanna make a connection with her feet."  I don't know that there is anything I can say here that could possibly outdo what he has already done.  So we will just leave it alone.  

Stay tuned next Monday for another exciting episode of The Bachelorette where it appears that Jillian is going to try and convince us all that she is not the kind of gal to "kiss around".  Oh Jillian, you silly, silly, silly girl.  Why on earth would any of us think that you kiss around?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?